As 2020 steams towards us, I decided to take the plunge and publish this post. I’d say “this isn’t one of my normal posts” but that’s not really true.
So here it is. Another post, before 2019 is behind us.
Image credit: GETTY
This year. This decade. Hell, this quarter-century. Woah. Being a Gen X-er, I’m still stuck in a time-warp that has my brain believing that 1980 was 20 years ago… That has not helped me whatsoever, particularly in the years that have passed between then and now. 2019 was a pretty big year, but life is one of those creatures, isn’t it? Ever-changing, never-predictable, always…something.
So 2019. For me personally, a very significant collection of months. The best part of the year was the wedding. After a couple of false starts, we finally made it down the aisle and it was a completely amazing celebration. A day full of love, happiness and merriment aplenty, we couldn’t have hoped for anything more. As life goes though, there was growth to be done.
I won’t say the wedding was the trigger because really my growth has been a slow-moving creature, with the odd flurry of action to remind me that it was far from predictable. As a couple though, our post-marriage focus turned to the classic subjects of a home and family of our own. So the planning and practice began, and with it came a few realizations about the human being that I am. For the past few months now I’ve been working on a few areas of self-improvement.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I believe I’m intelligent and observant enough to know that being a human is often an incredibly capricious experience. Personally, I’m at a point where I’m experiencing some very positive and some very challenging elements at once. As a person who always chose one specific thing to focus on at a time, I’m struggling with the awareness that I need to extend myself into each sphere, blending each together in order to re-balance myself, find new strength and build a life for Leah and myself (and our children when they come) that we will both be happy with.
An admission – I am working on three addictions at this stage of my life. Two of which I have known about for a number of years and have never really been “a problem”; the discovery of the third was a shock I wasn’t prepared for. All three have the potential to cause tremendous damage to my relationship and so I am addressing them. It’s been a bit weighty for my soul, and I’ve found myself struggling to maintain the human being that I’ve always tried to be as a result. My black dog has been barking a little more regularly than I’d like to admit during the process, making it a tad more difficult for me to feed the right wolf, if you’re familiar with the story.
My inner child has reached backwards in time, tempting me fairly successfully with a hobby I used to enjoy in my teens. I have a bunch of mostly-constructed, partially painted table-top gaming miniatures that I am trying to put some focus into to curb at least one of my addictions (gaming). Taking up the hobby again has brought back many fond memories of games with my high-school friends, the nights we’d all spend playing games and acting like the kids we were. The present hope is that enough of that energy will come back to me and I’ll find a balance that can be easily managed. Along with the memories has come a desire to reconnect with friends old and new, so if you get a random message from me through one of the numerous social channels available to us all, please don’t be alarmed if we haven’t spoken for a long while. I’m not trying to be weird and I have no expectations of an immediate and fierce friendship. I’m just making an effort to reach out and stay in touch.
Confronting my other addictions is a straightforward battle of willpower – one in which I have not been the superior force. Within me lies the determination to overcome though, so with some old-fashioned hard work I am planning on changing my mindset and emerge victorious (if not a little scarred). My body and mind are in a cycle which, according to the literature, is going to push me through a mid-life crisis into either a terrible abyss or a new state of awesomeness. I’m aiming for the latter of the two, for my sake and for the sake of everyone who depends on me.
So from here, into 2020 and beyond; I have the highest of hopes for myself, even though I won’t always feel like a ray of sunshine. I will continue working on improving myself and becoming the best version of me that I can be, not just for me but for those I care about as well. With luck, 2020 will see Leah and I with our house and family, and I also hope with all my heart that 2020 brings you all the wonderful experiences that you deserve. Happiness, love, success, fun, everything good.
Be kind to yourself and please know that I am here if you need anything.