While I was out walking tonight I wrote and rewrote this introduction in my head. Then I realised that I was manipulating you with it, wanting to explain myself in detail. It’s not my place to do that – especially not tonight. If you’re a regular reader of my blog you’ll know two things – that I don’t generally write serious posts and that I haven’t posted in my usual fashion (i.e. regularly) for about a month now.
Tonight’s post was written initially in response to my fryber Renée’s post The Compromise, written earlier this month. I don’t think it was exactly what she was expecting when she asked for people’s stories about relationships that they knew were doomed from the start. I think she was after bittersweet but I am so thoroughly ashamed of this that I can’t even describe it.
Sometimes, when I talk about life with some of my friends, they talk about me being a good, decent guy. I laugh at them and shrug off the compliment because if I was such a good guy – how could I have ever done this?
She was the only woman to ever fight for me. I denied her time and time again but she never gave up. I was as strong as I could be, but she was infinitely stronger. I justified giving in by telling myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But I knew better.
I won’t lie – I loved her. It didn’t happen immediately but over time I started telling myself that it could work. She was there for me. We spent so much time with each other that we were practically living together. She introduced me to her friends and family, bought me gifts and helped me furnish my new apartment. She acted as though I was the only one for her, but that was all part of her lie.
She had always made things clear to me, although I never understood how she could say the things she said and still do the things she did. It was confusing to hear that he was her soul-mate; the only one she could ever love and then to have her lying naked in my arms. To have her say that I was just a friend-with-benefits, then hear her admit jealousy at seeing me receiving attention from other women.
I’d never been the other man before and I’d had no practice at being insensitive about this kind of thing. I could never separate physical and emotional love and even though I knew the way this would end, I was completely unprepared. My best friend had warned me, reinforcing the need for me to walk away before I got hurt but somehow, I didn’t see it coming. Before long though, she found another plaything. She continued for a while to remain friendly, telling me all about her new best friend. Whether she had any idea of the pain she was inflicting I’ll never know.
On an average night, without ceremony or fanfare, she said that she couldn’t be friends with me anymore. She asked me to say nothing about what we had done. I wished her and her soul-mate all the best in life. With that she was gone. Never once looking back to see what she had done. I’ve never been the same since, but I doubt she even remembers my name.
Of all the things I’ve done in my life I’ve only ever had one REAL regret. If I could change anything that has happened in my past I would take this back. I’ve not let it rule my life, but it certainly has changed it.