Hey, Gym Dude…
October 19, 2011
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First of all, let me apologise for calling out rudely like that. I’m generally much more polite; especially when I’m trying to be diplomatic. I figured though that getting your attention would require some kind of macho taunt drenched in arrogance and testosterone. Now that the lines of communication are open, I’d like to talk to you about something.
Dude. I know you love working out. If your enormous physique didn’t make it obvious enough, I see that you’re ALWAYS here when I show up and I bet you’re here long after I’m gone. I respect your commitment to being the biggest dude you can be and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I applaud your goal-setting and your desire to achieve. We share this gym and it’s not often that our paths cross. For the most part, our deal is pretty sweet but there’s just something that is getting in the way of what could be a very nonchalant, mutually ignorant relationship.
I just have to ask… What’s with the air of hostility? That invisible line that divides the cardio and free-weights area seems like the magical barrier that separates the real world from Narnia. You know, Narnia? It’s a story dude, in a book. Oh never mind. Have another protein bar. My point is that whenever I cross that line, it’s like I’ve threatened to replace your episodes of Sons of Anarchy with Gossip Girl (or the other way around – I try not to stereotype). I just want to lift some weights for a while. I have no intention of getting into your business.
You have to forgive me – as you can see I’ve not exactly been working out since I left the womb, unlike yourself. I also imagine that you were scoffing Optimum Whey Protein when all the other babies were drinking Karicare. There’s obviously some kind of etiquette I’m missing. Is it a turf thing? Is there some unspoken gym rule about not lifting weights while another person is in the area who isn’t your spotter? When I get off the treadmill and head to “your side”, you look at me as though I’m mounting some kind of assault on your manhood.
Is it just me? Am I being paranoid? Maybe you’re just getting your facial muscles back into shape after smashing out those crazy sets. I’d be a mess too after lifting 1,000 kilos. Why is it that you must glare at me so? Is it jealousy? Are you jealous because I can turn my head without having to also turn my torso? Is it because I can touch my shoulder with my hand? It looks like that would be very difficult for you to manage with all those enormous muscles. I’m sure it can’t be the ‘roids. Guys can totally get that huge without turning to those sorts of drugs and you strike me as being genetically predisposed to muscularity.
I just want to reassure you, massive dude.
I’m not here to take over your world. I’m trying to LOSE some weight and tone up. I don’t need to be able to tear the door off a jumbo jet. I just want to be able to open that pickle jar.