Adventures & Insights

One man's adventures in the physical and intellectual worlds…

Hey, Gym Dude…

First of all, let me apologise for calling out rudely like that. I’m generally much more polite; especially when I’m trying to be diplomatic. I figured though that getting your attention would require some kind of macho taunt drenched in arrogance and testosterone. Now that the lines of communication are open, I’d like to talk to you about something.

Dude. I know you love working out. If your enormous physique didn’t make it obvious enough, I see that you’re ALWAYS here when I show up and I bet you’re here long after I’m gone. I respect your commitment to being the biggest dude you can be and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I applaud your goal-setting and your desire to achieve. We share this gym and it’s not often that our paths cross. For the most part, our deal is pretty sweet but there’s just something that is getting in the way of what could be a very nonchalant, mutually ignorant relationship.

I just have to ask… What’s with the air of hostility? That invisible line that divides the cardio and free-weights area seems like the magical barrier that separates the real world from Narnia. You know, Narnia? It’s a story dude, in a book. Oh never mind. Have another protein bar. My point is that whenever I cross that line, it’s like I’ve threatened to replace your episodes of Sons of Anarchy with Gossip Girl (or the other way around – I try not to stereotype). I just want to lift some weights for a while. I have no intention of getting into your business.

You have to forgive me – as you can see I’ve not exactly been working out since I left the womb, unlike yourself. I also imagine that you were scoffing Optimum Whey Protein when all the other babies were drinking Karicare. There’s obviously some kind of etiquette I’m missing. Is it a turf thing? Is there some unspoken gym rule about not lifting weights while another person is in the area who isn’t your spotter? When I get off the treadmill and head to “your side”, you look at me as though I’m mounting some kind of assault on your manhood.

Is it just me? Am I being paranoid? Maybe you’re just getting your facial muscles back into shape after smashing out those crazy sets. I’d be a mess too after lifting 1,000 kilos. Why is it that you must glare at me so? Is it jealousy? Are you jealous because I can turn my head without having to also turn my torso? Is it because I can touch my shoulder with my hand? It looks like that would be very difficult for you to manage with all those enormous muscles. I’m sure it can’t be the ‘roids. Guys can totally get that huge without turning to those sorts of drugs and you strike me as being genetically predisposed to muscularity.

I just want to reassure you, massive dude.

I’m not here to take over your world. I’m trying to LOSE some weight and tone up. I don’t need to be able to tear the door off a jumbo jet. I just want to be able to open that pickle jar.

11 responses to “Hey, Gym Dude…

  1. thoughtsappear October 25, 2011 at 1:37 am

    “It’s a story dude, in a book. Oh never mind. Have another protein bar.”—BWAHAHAHA!

  2. educlaytion October 22, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Those guys drive me crazy. So ridonkulous. I love when they work out like that and bench 500 pounds but manage to ignore their legs for a decade so they’re super top heavy with funny chicken legs. Meatheads🙂

  3. Megan October 20, 2011 at 7:28 am

    lol
    Nice to know im not the only one who notices this at the Gym.
    At my little Gym, we have a small weights section that when in use, gets the people who must, Must! drop the hand weights or the bars on the floor after doing reps, normally scares the shit out of the room.
    But after they drop the weights the person will do a quick walk in a small circle as if to say.. ” man that was a hard rep, gotta breath it out.”

    • Christian Emmett October 20, 2011 at 8:46 am

      Yeah, while I understand the science behind it, I never saw the point of lifting something if I’m unable to put it down comfortably. That’s just one reason I’ll never be a pro bodybuilder. There are many more! *lol*

  4. skippingstones October 20, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Are you sure it’s not the ‘roids? Don’t they increase aggression?

    • Christian Emmett October 20, 2011 at 8:44 am

      In all seriousness, I’m pretty sure it’s mostly the ‘roids. They do increase aggression and I’m fairly certain that no human being is genetically predisposed to being able to build up muscle like that naturally.😉

  5. The Edmonton Tourist October 20, 2011 at 12:55 am

    That was pretty funny due to the fact I know who you are talking about! I am the only chick who ventures into man dudes domain. He resents me over there too. Screw him. You and I can win in the smarts department that’s why he glares. He is jealous we will have the total package while he will always remain thick. Keep it up Oracle!!!

    • Christian Emmett October 20, 2011 at 8:50 am

      This dude seems to be all over the place, doesn’t he?

      Good on you for stepping over that line. We probably do have the advantage in the brains department. Maybe if he helped me with my technique I could help him with his knowledge base…

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