Even the Fellowship couldn't save me from this fate worse than death.
In 2001, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring was released. In 2002, I was living in Japan, teaching English. What follows here is the harrowing tale of how a movie that I quite thoroughly enjoyed now has me teetering on the brink of insanity and engaged in a viscious battle for enjoyment every time I watch it. Read on – at your own peril. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Imagine this: You’re relaxing on the lounge, watching some TV in a small-ish unit. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring was released last year and it’s been pretty popular. Most people have seen it and know what the story is.
Being a fan of fantasy, you quite enjoyed the movie yourself. It was, in your opinion, not only a fair enough adaptation of the novel but also a bit of fun and quite visually spectacular. In the future, you will buy yourself a copy of it on DVD and you’ll even buy two finely crafted ceramic mugs (which you will unfortunately lose during a breakup – but that’s a thing for the future) because you think so highly of the creative genius behind the book and the movie.
To your right, a bedroom door slides open and from the opening strides a tall man. His thinning blonde hair falls just past his shoulders as his hairline recedes and he carries himself with an air of authority irrespective of the company he is in. As he steps into the living room, sound begins to rumble from his mouth, quietly at first but growing louder as his enthusiasm waxes.
You turn as he begins not to speak, but to sing. And not just any song. The title score from The Fellowship of the Ring. Having heard this tune before, images of an epic journey by an unconventional group of adventurers fill your mind. Swords, sorcery, danger and ultimate triumph wash over your thoughts and you’re transported, for a solitary moment, to somewhere in New Zealand.
HOWEVER. Today is going to forever destroy the fantasy images you once so lovingly attached to this piece of music.
Because this man is not on his way to meet other slawart adventurers to begin an epic journey to destroy the One Ring that rules them all. He will not end his travels on an elven boat, sailing off into the sunset. No. He’s heading to the bathroom. And for as long as he’s in there, you will hear that tune.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no real issue with any person’s approach to bathroom use. What I found amusing about this was the simple fact that it seemed to be a fanfare announcement of events that certainly needed no fanfare. Unless, I suppose, the person involved is a toddler who is being potty trained. That I can get. Sing the songs, dance the dance and put the star on the chart for a job well done, kid!
There’s just something weird and hilarious to me about adults who get the urge to sing their way to – and through their business. We all have our quirks and I can really understand and respect that some people need to have a little pizzazz on the potty.
To this day though, whenever I watch The Lord of the Rings – all I can think about is a large man on his way to the toilet.