After reading Marina Sleeps’s blog post this morning I was struck by the urge to write a silly post. As the title suggests and at Marina’s cue, this is how I imagine Twilight panning out under the brilliant penmanship of Dr. Seuss.
Of course, having never read the books myself and having only seen one of the movies, the following adaptation is no doubt a little skewed by lack of information and anti-Twilight bias. And so – and so! I’ll restrict this post to what I know and hope that I maintain the flow. Now off you go, enjoy the show!
Edward – I am Vamp, Vamp I am. No, not camp! Vamp, Vamp, Vamp! I glare and stare, and smell your hair, my Bella fair. I watch you and you’re unaware. I glare some more – for sure! For sure! I have to fight in the night, what a plight, to fight all night! With all my might I fight and fight! I love you so my Bella dear, but my lust for blood I fear. I struggle left, I struggle right, because your neck I fear I’ll bite!
Bella – I pout – my snout! It’s sticking out! There is no doubt about my pout! I love you Ed, but you are dead! Let us wed, I love you I said! Watch me cry, oh me, oh my! Oh my, oh me, how can it be? My lover’s dead, but here is he, standing here for all to see and in the daylight – sparkly! But now he says that he must go, oh no, oh woe, why must he go?! I want him back, alas, alack!
Jacob – I growl and prowl, and now I’ll howl! Scowling, growling, howling and prowling! I’m in a pack, I’ve got your back and that’s a fact. Now there’s hair, here and there. Now it’s growing everywhere! I wear no shirt, no shirt at all. Not in the Summer, not in the Fall. Not in the snow and not in a squall! I will not wear a shirt y’all! Bella girl, I love you so, ditch that Vamp and let us go. Into the snow, where the cold winds blow.
Edward -Back off, big man. I am no fan. I’ll beat you up – I can, I can! Though I look weak, and meek and sleek, you do not know to whom you speak! So walk away, away I say! Far from my Bella you must stay!
Jacob – Let’s go tough guy, I’ll scratch your eye! Don’t think that I’ll stand idly by! With teeth and claws I’ll make you die, and die and die, so say goodbye, your end is nigh!
Bella – Jacob, no! Don’t be that way! Put your teeth and claws away. We must be friends and friends we’ll stay! Edward too, make peace I say! I love Ed, Jake, for heaven’s sake; a big deal you mustn’t make! A bigger fight is on the way, you may both get your wish one day. So stay, parlay, be friends this day. Keep your raging hearts at bay.
Edward & Jacob – Ok ok we’ve both been fools. Tools, and stools, and swimming pools! Remember, we are still at school. Let’s be cool, and make some rules.
And so they worked, those crazy jerks. Though it irked and irked and irked. If only they had all been lost, through frost or drought or chicken-pox. We wouldn’t have to hear their plight, and we could all sleep well at night!
And now my story’s said and done, I hope it brought a little fun!