At some point in our lives, we’re all asked the following question:
“If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why?”
Some people claim this is a question that invites speculation about our psyche; wherein our answer and our reasoning offers insight into our personality, values and our perceptions of ourselves and how we fit into the World. I’ve been asked this question myself and while I won’t reveal my answer just now, for anyone who is still pondering their own answer, let me offer some advice that relates to responses that should probably not be given if you want to live a long, prosperous and enjoyable life as whichever magnificent creature you envision yourself becoming.
Praying Mantis – While the mantises are quite cool with their camouflage, hypnotic sway, beady eyes and lightning fast reflexes, there is a dark side to their awesomeness. It’s pretty common knowledge that most of the men belonging to this species will be killed in coitus by their women. Not cool.
Bee – With as much appeal as the bright colour, nasty sting and honeycomb bring to the table, there are two important considerations:
- If you use that stinger, your internal organs will be torn out and you will die;
- You only have one year to live anyway.
Another thing to think about is this – while you might think one year is plenty of time, you’re only going to produce 1/12th of a teaspoon of honey. After working your little bee butt off for 12 months, that is your legacy. I’d sting someone too.
Ferret – Ferrets seem to be pretty popular pets in some areas, and while they’re sneaky, cute and tough, you don’t really want to be a female. Unless you can guarantee that you’re going to find a mate while you’re in heat, you will develop anemia and die. Not really the best thing if you’re shy.
Spider – Another sad sex story, female spiders are known to consume their mate as soon as they know the deed is done. Male Redbacks are also notorious for helping this process along by trying to impale themselves on their lady-love’s fangs. I don’t know if there’s a self-esteem issue that needs addressing there…
Monkey – You’d think this one would be a great answer, wouldn’t you? Maybe it is, there are plenty of great things about monkeys. However; can you live with the fact that you’ll NEVER be able to recognise yourself in the mirror? You think your simian cousins are laughing at you now, just wait until they put you in a mirror maze and you think you’re surrounded!
Elephant – With their excellent memories, their ability to speak to each other through sounds inaudible to humans and their noble spirits, the elephant could be a pretty awesome answer. Just one thing – if you’re a female, you’re carrying a baby for about 22 months. Oh, and regardless of your sex, if you’re an elephant – you can’t jump and you know what that means. Yep, no Nutbush or Time Warp for you.
Shark – Yeah, these bad boys would generally figure at the top of the list for many kids. One problem though – you’re never EVER going to get sick. Sharks are immune to EVERYTHING. Still think that’s not a bad thing? I hear you, but your options are now severely limited when it comes to making excuses to get out of school, work and some social engagements.
Maybe you should just play it safe and say “Dairy Cow”.
Which animal WOULD you be, and why?