Dear great, powerful, awe-inspiring and most devious one,
I would like to make a suggestion concerning our henchmen. There have been a large number of fatalities recently due to inaccurate shooting and I think it’s in the Organisation’s best interests to investigate opportunities to reduce not only the suffering of the families of these men, but also the high financial overhead of replacing them. We spend millions training and equipping our henchmen. Indeed, many of our training facilities have already been exposed and even destroyed over the years. My idea might also save us rebuilding and relocating costs, making it even more worthy of consideration.
With the incredible surveillance technology at our disposal – and also taking into account my own brushes with our eternally frustrating enemy I have made an important observation: Our nemesis always seems to have a completely inept charge who, even with no knowledge of weaponry whatsoever, is able to kill some of our most important staff with one or two shots.
This person is usually the one we’re trying to kill anyway because they’ve outlived their use to us and know too much about our Organisation’s goals and dealings. They’re normally a computer geek or accountant or have a similar career that requires a high amount of mental dexterity and almost no physical ability at all. I’ve even seen a number of them panic at the mere sight of a gun and when one is placed in their hands they shake it around and look at it as though it’s the most complex mechanical device that has ever been created. And yet they can program a VCR. Go figure.
Our nemesis only ever teaches them the absolute basics of gun handling. On many occasions the only instruction they receive is “Just point it at the bad guy and shoot.” This “minimalist” training technique seems to have astounding results. Even when they’re petrified and shooting with their eyes closed, these miserable excuses for sidekicks are getting perfect kill shots off.
I propose this:
Let us incorporate both the training and recruitment technique that our adversary is using for future henchman. Instead of recruiting physically powerful and intimidating men and spending time and money training them in martial arts, firearms, demolitions and floral design, we should just grab a legion of scared computer nerds or accountants, give them a gun and throw them into situations where our arch-rival is causing a problem. This will save us not only money, but time and effort.
Another bonus of adopting this strategy is that we will save hundreds of millions of dollars on ammunition. These new henchmen do not require a semi or fully automatic weapon; they are able to make spectacular shots using between one and three shots only. This is not always the case of course, but I think we can certainly manage with a standard six shot revolver or, if there’s a tax benefit for purchasing ammunition in bulk, we can supply some other pistols that hold more bullets.
They also seem to be extremely resilient. I believe that it primarily relates to their under-developed bodies being naturally smaller targets. Even on the remote occasion that they do sustain a wound, they are able to remain focussed and even continue to fight. I’m not sure why our henchmen all die or surrender when the fight’s barely even begun.
So, to summarise:
We should replace our existing henchmen with physically inept and socially awkward computer geeks and/or accountants. Apparently their panic reflex alone provides them with the ability to kill people easily using guns they have never ever fired before. We will save money, ammunition, time and heartbreak because these people are all single and have no family to speak of.
Thank you again for the opportunity to work in such a wonderful Organisation.
Yours in reverence,