Adventures & Insights

One man's adventures in the physical and intellectual worlds…

I Am Ninja, Hear Me … Well, Actually Don’t Hear Me Do Anything

I’ve been conducting some informal research and my preliminary findings are pretty much conclusive – I am a ninja. Or a ghost. Since I’m afraid of ghosts though, and for many other reasons besides, I’m discounting the ghost aspect and going with ninja.

I didn’t ask for this. On the list of things I’d like to be, ninja is pretty low. They ARE cool, don’t get me wrong, but I’d much rather be a werewolf, knight or samurai over a ninja. I believe that those three suit my personality a little better, but you can’t argue with the facts I guess.

Technically, I’m a bad ninja. This conclusion is based on the following:

  1. I have absolutely no ninja gear. No hood, tabi boots or anything. Not in black OR white. Absolutely none.
  2. The only potential weapon I own is an old machete that I covered in electrical tape for a Jason Voorhees inspired Halloween costume years ago. It’s totally blunt.
  3. I am no fighter. (Unfortunately, this fact also discounts the possibility that I am a werewolf, knight or samurai warrior. Nuts.)

Knowing this, it’s hard to think that I AM a ninja but I have no other logical conclusion to draw. It seems that I have immense latent ninja skill and it is beginning to show. I must be the kind of ninja that gets discovered later in life, once their natural ability shines through and can no longer be hidden behind their unassuming character.

So where is the evidence that I am a ninja you ask? An excellent question. I’ve been gathering it daily for the past few weeks and it’s everwhere.

Without even trying, I sneak up on people. I don’t move in the shadows or anything, but I seem to have amazing camouflage skills. Nobody seems to see me coming and when I stop beside someone – or even in front of them, they blink and flinch in surprise! I walk from the train station to my workplace and nobody knows I’m there. Stopping at intersections, people will move sideways to get out of someone else’s way and they’ll bump right into me.

I’ve thought that maybe I’m just incredibly chameleonic or even possibly invisible, however this theory also has been debunked. Nobody has actually leant on me or tried to walk through me. Some people have looked me right in the eye and continued to walk a path of collision with me, but there is always the last minute change of direction that proves they do know I’m there.

I’ve realised that unless a ninja master finds me soon, I will have to take drastic measures to counteract my innate ninja talents. I’ll have to bring cymbals with me wherever I go and bang them continually to remind people that I am there. It’s in everyone’s best interests.

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7 responses to “I Am Ninja, Hear Me … Well, Actually Don’t Hear Me Do Anything

  1. Bindy October 13, 2010 at 7:50 am

    …or you could wear a sign saying “KEEP LEFT” or “WRONG WAY GO BACK”

  2. ragrobyn October 8, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Maybe you don’t fight because people are frightened of you. They don’t see you because of your tremendous skill then suddenly you appear. They flee… You do not need to fight! You are amazing! Don’t change, ninja skills are coveted amongst the teenaged boys in my family. They would be jealous.

  3. Fred October 7, 2010 at 1:47 am

    Just smile . . . someone will ask why.

  4. Megan October 6, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    You could also try wearing a bell.

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